An interactive discussion between the moderator and members of the bed briefing family on the
topic: The Power of Letting Go: Moving On From a Broken Relationship
Date: 10th December 2020
Time : 7:00 pm
Venue: Bed Briefing House via telegram
Moderator: Miss Oluchi Chibulu
Collator: Miss Benita Aniebo
One who has had a broken relationship will most likely have a heart break. I believe that’s why it is difficult for some to move on. I know someone who was in a relationship that was meant to end in marriage, and later on the lady dumped the guy for a rich politician. The hurt guy in question is a friend of mine. He said if not because he was a Christian, he would have thought of hurting her.
Here is another story of a very close and good friend of mine. She was in a relationship and they were almost close to saying I do. After the introduction, the family of the girl asked questions about the guys family and discovered some things that are not worthy to write home about the family. So they had to put a hold on the marriage. The girl was hurt not just that the marriage was no longer going on but that the guy who promised to have loved her heaven and Earth was not truthful to her. One of the things they found out was that he had a child with another woman some time in the past. When confronted he could not give viable reasons for hiding such truth from the lady and so many other things that were later discovered.
Also I know of another person, this time a guy who sort for advice on how to go about a heart break he encountered for about 2yrs now. He was previously in a relationship and had even proposed to the lady. Only for the lady to go to their village during Christmas time and she met an old time friend who came into the country to seek for a wife. The abroad guy proposed to her and she accepted. They got married within a month.
Now on the part of my friend, he was not just only angry that he was disappointed but that the lady was not apologitic about what happened. She didn’t even give the guy any reason, didn’t want to talk to him, didn’t want to see him at all. They Initially had plans of introduction that December before the lady met the abroad guy….. Up till today, the guy found it difficult to let go. The total forgiveness is not there. He believes he needs to hear from her first.
Do you think that the person who broke the heart is wicked and inconsiderate?
Yeah we could all think at that point that they are bad, selfish, wicked etc…. But the truth is that heartbreak could come from anyone and happen to anyone. Both the good ones and bad ones experience it. Reasons differ because life is complicated. And the best is to try and move on loving yourself more.
So what exactly is this heartbreak….” Obi mgbawa”?
It is a state of devastating emotional loss characterised by intense feeling of sadness, grief and overwhelming sense of never being able to get past the pain. Heart break can come when we lose a loved one, disappointed by someone we deeply love, lost opportunities or jobs we deeply wanted. But note, heartbreak doesn’t only happen in relationships though in the context of tonight’s discussion we are focusing on relationships.
Now am going to be giving us some explanations of what happens in our bodies when we experience a heart break.
We all know that heartbreak involves feeling of grief for sometime. According to Kubler Ross there are 5 stages of grieving that someone who is emotionally down will pass through. If you have ever felt emotional pain you can testify to these stages.
- You first have feelings of denial: here you simply doubt the reality that you have been disappointed or ‘dumped’. You can hear some say things like…”I can’t believe this”.
- Anger: here you feel frustrated, fed up and can lash it out on nearby people. You have thoughts like : why me, it’s not fair, me of all people, why would this happen to me? Etc
- Bargaining: the person begins to think that they avoid the cause of the grief. Eg: they try to negotiate, to get back to ex, to talk, to even plead for acceptance.
- Depression: “Am so sad, why bother me with anything”, being alone and moody, not wanting to engage in discussions are examples of behavior exhibited here.
- Acceptance: finally the person comes in terms with the reality and at this point moving on can begin. The person can say ” I will get through this”,” I shall get better”.
Now science has told us that there are somethings that happen in our system during the period of heart break. A feeling of love can be very strong and even addictive like a drug. This is because of the presence of two types of hormones called dopamine and oxytocin. They are for pleasure and can be addictive. So when one experiences a heartbreak these hormones are suppressed and cortisol a stress hormone is released. Cortisol will make the person feel weak, disinterested, just opposite of being happy. Another thing that happens is that the brain itself interpretes the heartbreak as physical pain. So we Know that whatever happens in the brain affects the whole system… So your body will begin to react in response to the emotional pain.
Here is a question for us. How long did it take you to recover from the heart break?
A very long time. When you think you’re now fine, booooom you start crying again. It could last a while but the longer it last the more risky it could be.
Don’t worry we shall be giving practical steps that will aid your healing. But the decision to let go is totally yours!
If one does not resolve with emotional trauma easily it may result in worse complications like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).
This is simply a mental disorder that is developed after a person is exposed to traumatic events like sexual assault, child abuse, heart break, rape etc.
Symptoms include: disturbing thoughts, feelings / dreams relating to the events, mental and physical distress. It can last for more than a month after the event.
Persons with PTSD are at higher risk of suicide and intentional self harm. I believe this explains the reason why someone will drink “sniper” or commit suicide because of a heart break or disappointment. And this happens at the 4 th stage of grief when they are very much depressed and find it difficult to move to the acceptance stage.
You see this complication is enough reason you should let your life move on. You must decide not to waste yourself because even the person that hurt you doesn’t even know what you are going through. You just have to feed yourself positively and keep deciding not to give up on yourself for a better life. After all, there are better people out there.
How can one move on from a heart break?
I told us earlier I had 3 persons I know that went through such condition and 2 are up and doing now. So am going to paste their responses to how they were able to overcome the trauma.
Response 1: I didn’t drink, smoke or go to prostitutes. I defied all excuses, rearranged myself, focused on my career and those around me. God is the center of my courage.
Response 2: I prayed and prepared myself for whatever answer God gives. You have to move on and know that God has better plans then you will see that there are even better characters out there than that of the person you felt you lost. So in my heart I decided my life had to continue, I saw it as God’s plan for me and I didn’t give myself time for grief because I kept myself very busy. As time went on other people were coming. My friends really helped me out, I didn’t blame myself, I decided I deserved better and God’s grace was there for me as well.
Moving on; does that mean I shouldn’t be at peace with him? He does chat with me, do you think I should snub him or something?
Yes dear. You should stop communicating with him as long as you have not yet gotten yourself back to normal because he keeps reminding you of the past and the cycle continues. Again there is a difference between moving on and forgiveness; maybe you have truly moved on but not forgiven him. Let me use this opportunity to say that forgiveness is not easy. I’m speaking from experience. First you have to decide to forgive, then ask God for the grace to do so. It’s more of divine than physical.
Do I need to forgive him before I finally gain myself back to normal ?
No. The first step is to get yourself back. The 2nd is to forgive and let go. You get yourself back by conscious and intentional decision to move on. You don’t have to focus on forgiving at the first step you were hurt. You must heal first and deal with forgiveness later though both steps can go hand in hand.
Simple Steps to Recovering from Heart Break.
- Cry/ Express the hurt: allow yourself to go through the grieving process. Psychologist say that it’s a sign of strength to cry. Crying and sobbing is part of the healing process.
- Stop trying to negotiate or connect with your ex. Delete their number, block them on social media, don’t go checking up on their status because doing so is trying to resurrect the cycle.
- Find a support System. You need good, helpful and supportive shoulders you can cry on and express your feelings. As long as they have your interest at heart, they will do all they can to help you out of the mess.
- Exercise and engage in other activities. Don’t dwell in the dark. Give yourself a treat. Try to keep yourself busy and active.
- Try to understand why your relationship failed. Well you may not really understand it right away because to you everything may have been going alright. But to your partner they know what they were dealing with. Not all breakups have reasonable explanations. But in all, learn something new. Learn the better ways you could have acted but don’t criticize yourself. Grow from the past and know that all things happen for you good.
- Don’t internalize your weak points, the break up, or things that happened.
- Identify and eliminate unhealthy behavior: eg taking drugs, drinking to forget, drinking and calling your ex, sleeping around, or plotting evil against your ex.
Don’t dwell so much in the past
- Rise and create new routines
- Choose/ Decide to move on. You must believe that you will certainly find all you need and even better stuff you felt you have lost. Believe the best is yet to come.
- Handover everything in prayer and trust in God.
In everything just know that the best is yet to happen to you. Never forget all things happened for your own good.
Then what would be a solution to someone who has had heartbreak from relationship over and over again and finally the person is drying while alive?
It’s quite unfortunate this person has had this bad experience a lot of times. Well, the thing is this: when we sin against God every day, repeating the same sin every time do you ever say ‘ I won’t ask God for forgiveness again because you keep falling? No you would still go back to confession to mend your soul. That’s how it is here. He/ she must not give up on love, on self recovery, on hope. But Note: the person must make sure they recovered from the previous hurt before going into another relationship if not,they will still end up being hurt. Reason is that they may be struggling with trust issues, belief in self and God and even in the world. So before going into another relationship you need to be emotionally stable.
If your heart is broken, your partner suddenly breaks up with you for no just cause, it’s okay to cry but crying and begging him will give him an unnecessary fulfillment and the belief that you can’t do without him. Go and meet your trustworthy friend(s) and cry before them or better still go to cry in the Church (ask God for strength as well). Don’t make anyone feel indispensable.
Solutions to the problems of heartbreak:
- Discover your purpose in life. Know the reasons why you are created.
- Be careful in choosing a friend
- Tell God prayerfully a kind of man you need
- Try to get those qualities before you finally agreed to a man
- Don’t allow anything to becloud the qualities i.e Either money or maybe handsome or a kind of faked- real love.
- Get a mentor. This should be inform of a minister of the gospel e.g Rev. Fr
- Listen to experiences of others before you go. Don’t say it’s not your portion because you don’t even know where your portion is.
- Finally, involve God in all your affairs.
I Know it’s not easy to forgive someone who hurt you especially without any reason. But it’s something we all need to do. I have been hurt so much by two persons dear to me. The first was my fiancee and I thought it would be difficult to let go of the pain I felt but I eventually overcame it. The second was from my very good female friend who betrayed me in a way infact it hurt so much that I was draining and it affected my academics too but in the end, the journey I thought would not end later paved way for grace to take over. So the big question is this…..
After we have been hurt and broken do we still keep dwelling in the hurt, cursing the persons involved, wishing and praying bad for them?
Not at all.
As Christians we must forgive because in forgiveness you are also wishing yourself well and drawing great and positive forces to yourself. When you forgive you open doors for more grace into your life but the truth is that to forgive is not easy. I found out you have to pray to God for the grace to totally forgive and move on. Forgiveness is more of divine than physical like I said earlier. Make a decision to forgive. Then leave the feelings to God to deal with. It can be so very annoying when you feel hurt and try to get over it but can’t because you just won’t forgive the offender. In our Lord’s pray we ask God to forgive as we have forgiven.
In Forgiveness, you must understand that people around you are not saints and also you. So don’t expect them to give you all that you cared for. In fact:-
- Be ready for them to hurt you. So that when it comes you will not be disappointed
- Know that you yourself have been hurting others directly or indirectly
- Know that before you grow to this level, you have offended your parent and they have not crucified you.
- Pray to God to give you a forgiving heart because you cannot succeed without it, just as you can’t pass your exams without studying and praying to God.
- Have it in mind that those who do not forgive are stagnant in life.
- Know that forgiveness will give you all that you want and make you a good child and friend of God.
- Practicalize forgiveness daily.
Two people in love finally found out they’re related, they had to separate, no one broke each others heart but they were in pain.Hope this can be considered heart break ?
Yes it’s a heart break. Hope you still recall our definition: Heartbreaks can also come as disappointment from something we really hoped for even death of a loved one.
How do you know the guy or girl has genuine love for you?
Love is indeed a mystery and the problem today is that people fake it. But I believe that true love must have SACRIFICE in it. If you really love someone, you will do things to make them happy. That’s how they should sacrifice to make you happy too. True love comes with a feeling of Peace but most especially because of the number of fakers and bad people today, you must trust God to lead you aright. For the sake of posterity and grace, you must be true yourself. If you really love him, show it in true sacrifice. If he is for you, you will know. You will have Peace. He also will do and sacrifice alot not just emotionally but all areas of your life for your good.
When the person you call your friend feel shy to call you a friend in the public, call you at home, show the world what you are to her. Do you think it ‘s right to call this person your friend. I ask this because I have a friend whom I love so much, i could do anything to stand for him or her, be by her or his stand during the dark moment but I don’t get same from him or her rather he or she only needs you for just academic purposes.
If you find out someone does not take you as you take them you can do two things conditionally:
A. If you know you are emotionally strong to handle any disappointment that may come up from them because they will not always reciprocate as you expected, then you can go on being friends with them.
B. If you know it’s affecting you emotionally, I suggest you keep to the length of the Pace they have given you and don’t expect much from them. But still be good to them because it’s in your nature to be good.
If you are certain a person has bad intentions towards you and they keep trying to get close to you, and it’s not that easy to avoid the person because you see each other every day, how do you react in this situation?
It’s not an easy one but the main point is your HEART. You already know the truth. So you must take every action based on the truth you already know and not on how the person will feel ( like you are avoiding them). Try to keep avoiding that which you know will cause you harm. It’s called WISDOM.
If you have a girl let say your girlfriend but she doesn’t support what you are doing, she don’t like it at all nor ask you how far are you going with your business ( let say online business). Does she really love you?
Note: Both genders are still student
One feature of true love is freedom and honesty. She may have true and sincere Love for you but it’s still possible she doesn’t like what you are doing. So here you don’t have to beg her to accept you. You have to simply see if there is truth and sense in what she is complaining about. Is the online business legit or not? So this and more you will have to answer. She may have your best interest at heart.
God bless you!