My bestie is not my husband….. Any implications?

An interactive session.
Topic: My bestie is not my husband….. Any implications?

Venue: Bedbriefing Telegram house.

Time: 7pm.

Date: September, 2nd, 2021.

Moderator: Miss Ezema Jennifer.

Collator: Miss Adaobi Obiekezie.

I welcome you all to today’s session……..
The title of our program is MY BESTIE IS NOT MY HUSBAND, ANY IMPLICATIONS?

For the purpose of our discussion, the Husband here represents partners which could be on the level of marriage or courtship.
Friendship just like relationship is an aspect of our lives that can not be over-emphasized. Most relationship and marriages kick off from friendship i.e the people involved found love and friendship together leading to the popular saying “your partner should be your best friend”, but this is not the same with everyone. Some end up having besties other than their partner.

What do you understand by the term Bestie?
– A Bestie is simply a Best friend or close friends, it is someone you like and with whom you spend lots of time with.
A Bestie could be same or opposite sex but we will be considering Besties of opposite sex in today’s discussion.
– I believe some people do start having best friends from early stages of life.
They’re there due to fact that they have been part of you all these while even before u fell in love with ur partner. Then they are worth keeping.

What if keeping such friendship begins to ruin your marriage?
– I feel your partner if he or she is not your bestie should know about the relationship and either approve or disagree of keeping them.
– Anyway, this is subjective to the partners involved.
For me, if such friendship is ruining my marriage based on infidelity, then the friendship should be stopped.
But if it is based on baseless jealously, then it’s my duty to reform my partner’s mindset.

Now do you think there are differences between a Bestie and a partner?
– There are differences between a bestie and a partner from my own understanding. A partner is a spouse or other person with whom one shares a domestic, romantic or sexual bond while a bestie is someone’s best friend.
The difference is that partners are likely spouses that is husband and wife or girlfriend and boyfriend while besties can just be ordinary friends who don’t share any romantic or sexual bond.
– A partner has more control over your life decisions compared to a mere bestie because you are more emotionally attached to your partner. If he or she is not comfortable,the person can tell you to quit the friendship.

One’s partner could be his best friend but your Best friend can still be someone other than your partner.

These could be some of the differences:
-You like your Bestie but you’re in love with your partner.
-With a partner, there could be sexual attraction or intimacy unlike with a bestie.
-Commitment.
*Love chemistry*
Friends: Attraction+comfort
Partners: Attraction+comfort+chemistry.

Why do you think people keep besties ?
– For me people keep besties because of special qualities which those besties have. For example one may have a bestie who is a clown and would like to keep him or her because of the jokes they crack each time they are together likewise other special qualities which the besties may possess.

General Question
1. Can I ask you a question please! I would love you to differentiate these three Bestie, partner and Spouse for me so that I can have a clear understanding of where we are heading.

InAns: Partner is most likely leading to spouse but bestie may not necessarily lead to spouse. What I mean is that your partner may likely be your wife or husband, boyfriend or girlfriend with whom you share romantic or sexual bond while bestie is just that friend you keep for some reasons best known to you with whom you have NO romantic or sexual bond.
Don’t forget it is also very possible to have your bestie as your partner. It depends on what you want as a person but just know that so many people keep besties whom they interact with and who are not necessarily partners or spouses.

2. Now my next question is who is eligible to keep a bestie?
Ans: Every human being.

3. Are you saying a Married person can keep a bestie especially of the opposite sex?
Ans: If the married person already had a best friend whether same or opposite sex before the marriage, then the friendship shouldn’t be destroyed cos of marriage.
But if the married person didn’t have one before marriage, then it’s unwise to acquire one outside your partner.
Ans2: Your partner can be your bestie. Your partner ideally should be your bestie if you are married because he is the best one for you.

Story time……

Ade and Jane have been friends from childhood, they grew up together and attended same schools up till University level. While some thought they were dating, others considered them siblings but they were just best friends. When they were newly admitted into the University, Ade was involved in a ghastly accident which landed him on a wheel chair. Jane never left her Bestie, she was always moving him around for lectures. Ade after undergoing series of surgeries got back to his feet after his graduation and got married to Cynthia who detests the whole concept of having a Bestie. Is it really fair to let go of such friendship considering how they’ve been there for each other?

1- I don’t think it’s fair to let such friendship go like that but I guess in the scale of preference the partner has to choose FAMILY FIRST.
If letting the friendship go will strengthen their marriage I advise him to do so. Remember the girl in question in this story will definitely get married to her own man and will like to concentrate on her own marriage also.
2- Except on the case of infidelity, it is totally unfair. Cynthia should accept the fact that before she came into the picture, Jane has always been there.
Her own task would even be to appreciate Jane for having been there for her hubby.
3- He might not totally let go but they could still be friends just not as close as they used to be. Jane would have to respect the fact that he now has a partner. And what she did was what she should as a best friend. It shouldn’t really be a problem unless jane already had feelings for him.
4- Critically analysing this story, Ade never intended to marry Jane. They’re were just being good friends to each other. And by implication, Jane did all those things because she felt at that point in time that she was the only one very close to help Ade…. Yea, she was just being nice. For Ade, he saw someone that really had the best qualities he wanted and got married to her,by inference making her his new best friend. Jane should just deal with it… Marriage is a serious business.

It is always nice we state our intentions and not assume anything. If Jane had feeling for him, speaking up would have helped but If she helped Ade on the basis of friendship, then she should understand to keep a little distance since she can never get the same attention and closeness from Ade again, he’s married!

Family should be first at the end of the day, but not that such friendship should be lost entirely.

IN CONCLUSION……

Obviously, Friendship spices life, but it is a wonderful thing not to exceed boundaries.You shouldn’t give the attention, care and love meant for your partner to a “bestie” and the bestie in question should be wise enough to keep a distance.

One of the reasons people cheat is over confidence. The belief that you can be free around the opposite sex and nothing would happen!A lot can happen! One of the ways to stay faithful to one’s partner is to set strict boundaries. If you are too careless around the opposite sex, you might compromise yourself.

Limit the hugs and time you spend with your best friend, Make your partner your best friend…
Don’t allow anybody call you pet names (except your close family members and same sex friends), it doesn’t make any sense. Pet names turn the opposite on, if you don’t know that, know it right now.

Be sensitive to attractions. Don’t be naive around the opposte sex, know when a man/ woman is sexually attracted to you and move back from that person. If they focus much on your physique and body, they are sexually attracted to you, move back, You have a partner

Know when you are sexually attracted to someone and move back. It’s perfectly normal to have chemistry for someone. Marrying the greatest man on earth or the most beautiful, virtous woman in the universe will not automatically stop you from being attracted to someone else. Know when the thought of another man/ woman get you excited and move back.

Thank you and God bless you all……..

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