Love Lost to Lust with no Trust Vol. 1, No. 20

At the beginning of their friendship, Nelly had the intention to maintain a healthy relationship. No wonder she was bold enough to request from Jide, her dearie, that no sex should be involved. In response, Jide nodded in affirmation. On the long run, it was observed that they were not able to keep to their promises. In her usual act of simplicity and openess for a remedy, she shared her ordeal and further explained in Igbo parlance; “mmuo kwere ekwe mana anu ahu esighi ike” for the sake of non Igbos; the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. In a bid to regain her hope, I assured her that the body of Christ suffers more when we refuse to acknowledge our weaknesses and consequentially seek the Sacrament of reconciliation with a firm resolution to remain steadfast to Him. Her reluctant disposition taught me that many have developed snail pace attitude to Church activities due to sexual immorality as if the Church has been refurbished for the saints, excluding the sinners. On a more serious note, Nelly further intimated me how sex saved her relationship with Jide, who could have abandoned her in spite of their agreement. Seven months later, she came back crying profusely and refusing to be consoled. From the sound of her lamentations, I sieved out some words like “Jide changed emotions” an in group language that was difficult for me to comprehend until she added that he didn’t feel the same way again. “I’m so single now” she exclaimed, “he has dumped me” she continued crying. Although I tried to offer consolation, it did not yield much fruits. “Just take it that God never meant such a lascivious being for you. Who knew what could have happened if you finally settled with him. I will always pray for you, God’s choicest man will come. Just be a good girl as I instructed you earlier”. She nodded, appreciated and sorrowfully went away.

Well, the issues of human sexuality cannot be taken as the crux of the matter in a month that we have dedicated for couples and families. Since, the above incidence has become increasingly problematic in today’s society, it is therefore very necessary to address the intentions and implications of pre marital sex, not just as sinful, but as a hindrance to the formation of lasting couples especially in a serious relationship. From my persnal experiences in a sex saturated world, it will be uneasy for me to express the certainty that 30% of all the marital unions in these recent times are free from pre marital sex. Through the grape vine, I gathered that many who became victims of pre marital sex were either dumped before marriage proposal or met a miserable end after marriage unless they later found favour in God’s mercy. The reasons for these unwelcome nuances remain a poser till the end of this piece.

An objective evaluation of the struggles and sacrifices of some young women just to be the best for the rest of her fiance’s life could be very agonizing when the resultant effect turns to be a total failure. Life for instance, became unbearable for Nelly when she insisted for an explanation from Jide, her ex boyfriend, who insinuated that the pleasure they have shared so far is not the type he would like to enjoy all the rest of her life. Implicitly, he has experienced someone better than Nelly who foolishly made herself available for his impish experiments for deciphering sexual pleasures. On a second thought, if Nelly had remained untouchable until after marriage, she would have been dismissed earlier or Jide could have valued her more as unique and Godly made for a wife material. But come to think of the contrary, a lady who won the heart of a man as his best sexual partner before marriage, as against a loving companion, what is the possibility that such a union can endure to celebrate ten years of marital anniversary? Could it be possible that such a ‘lucky lady’ will continually be fit as fiddle on bed and in beauty to the taste of her husband, who was caught up with her initial thrils?

Moreover, reports from tribunal reveals that in most reported cases of divorce, there is an unreported case of either denial of sex or lack of sexual satisfaction. In other words, it is the unreported case that catalyses the purpotted issue towards the quest for separation if annulment becomes impossible. There is this case of Catherine versus Kevin. Mrs. Catherine felt neglected by her hubby, Mr. Kevin before her friends. In reaction to his misdemeanour, Mrs. Catherine decided to exercise one of her distinctively unique female powers on their matrimonial bed to the point that Kevin could no longer bear such denial and tribunal was his best option. Such likely situation is the fate of mariage when lust is over emphasised above mutual love. Love as a fundamental principle of mariage nullifies misunderstanding between couples before it gets to the table of tribunal. On the contrary, mariage built on lust hastens a case or even metamorphoses an unnecessary issue to become due for divorce.

Far more significantly, a colleague who was planning to marry thought he had a genuine reason for pre marital sex and confided in me that it was necessary so that he can ensure the possibility of pregnancy before entering into marriage. He further stated that God commissioned us to increase and multiply. Procreation therefore, is the fundamental aim for marriage, He concluded. According to this my intimate friend, since God has called us to increase and multiply, in order to be convinced that her future wife can bear children, then pre marital sex is justifiable. By implication, the end can justify the means. In the same way, I asked him, “can building a charity organisation justify my scrupulous source of income?” he smiled. One thing unknown to us here is that child bearing is a gift, not a right. No one is entitled to it. Again, parturition is not the true test of womanhood. Besides, those who are not able to give birth can increase their chances by evangelization through adoption of abandoned children, which offers a higher sacramental grace to the couples. Indications therefore emerge that child bearing has no comparison with the mutual enrichment of couples as far as God’s ultimate goal of the Sacramental union is concerned. On a further evaluation, if there emerge a possible situation of miscarriage after marriage, with a medical confirmation of no further capacity for pregnancy, how can unity and perpetuity between couples be enjoyed when their ultimate destination is child bearing? The unconditional quest for male child is another challenge that can bow only to marital love. In fact, a cursory glance into this atttude of pre marital sex projects a lack of trust in your partner, in God’s omnipotence as well as medical veracity to your compatibility with him or her.

Against this backdrop, I wish to establish the fact that it will be very murky, risky and ridiculous if we set frivolous criteria, devoid of trust, as a prerequisite to a happy married life. This is predicated on the fact that the union of a man and a woman is divinely planned by God, and we cannot expect God to ordinarily build love and unity when the moral foundation upon which the union has been instituted negated God’s injuctions. Thus, in case your purpotted partner insists on pre marital sex as an unpronounced attempt to text your capacity for sexual pleasure and pregnancy, be wise enough to discern God’s will, for by their fruits, they are known. Permit me to immediately conclude with this caution: whenever as a result of human weaknesses, you fall, forget not to reconcile with God in whom mercy is endless. Journey towards a unification of two hearts is a mystery which God alone can define and refine till death do us part.

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