An interactive discussion between the moderator and members of the bed briefing house on the topic: Lady Demanding Marriage from Her Lover. Is It Strange?
Date: 6th August, 2020
Venue: Bed Briefing House (via Telegram)
Moderator: Miss Oluchi Chibulu
Collation by Miss Benita Aniebo (a member of the Bed briefing house
Before answering the question let us understand two important key words in the topic. These are: marriage and demanding
Marriage is a legal relationship between a husband and wife. It involves commitment, generosity,honesty,respect, ability to compromise, forgiveness, openness, tolerance etc. It’s is a scared and special Union with a lot of responsibilities not just for self but for your spouse and others too.
Demanding, according to Oxford dictionary, is to ask for something very firmly, to say very firmly that somebody have to do something. It is synonymous with require, expect, insist, and ask.
Asking is not as strong as demanding!
Now the question is… is it wrong or strange for a lady to demand( ask, request or insist) for marriage from the man she loves?
Remember we have elaborated on the meaning of demanding and we have seen that it could mean to ask, to request firmly and or to insist. And so I will say it’s not WRONG for a lady to express how she feels, or her expectations. Remember she has prospects too. What may look absurd is the synonym of demand she employs. If she is asking or insisting, it’s not strange but how people go about it can be strange depending on the culture.
Now let’s take a look at the various ways people demand for marriage from the Christian point of view.
The first is proposing to the man. Then, giving the man an ultimatum and finally, manipulation and using pregnancy to ‘trap’ him.
Proposing to a man…… We see this in the western culture a lot. What do you think about it. As a man will you accept a ring from your female lover? As a woman how do you see it?
Proposing to a man is not really acceptable in our core African culture especially as Igbos. But in some cultures like in England and Scottland proposal can be done by a woman only on 29th Feb. That’s on a leap year. So it’s quite acceptable in some cultures but not here. Some women that do so in this part of the world may be seen as being desperate, less valued and even the ego of the man involved is being questioned by some people. This is simply because it’s not our in our norm and that seems to be backed up biblically. We know God first created man then out of man made him woman. The management of marriage was given to both but the leader, as saint Paul teaches us, is the man. So it’s honourable that the man should propose as it leads to the process for the marriage. Remember we are trying to find out the best possible and respectable way for a lady to demand for marriage.
Remember also Jesus our model is the head of the man, and so the man the head of the woman.
Ultimatum is a demand which if not met will end a relationship or otherwise result in some consequences. Example: the lady will say ” if you don’t get married to me in so so so time, I’m going to leave” … Have you heard that line before? It’s like a threat of some sort. One may say it’s not totally wrong, but how the lady goes about it may pollute the relationship. Some men are not ready to commit, psychologically, financially and otherwise yet they can’t let go…He shouldn’t waste the lady’s time on that. However, there are better ways of discussing or communicating the issue rather than placing him on that thin line. His delayance could be genuine or otherwise and you may not really understand until it is communicated.
A lot of guys don’t like being challenged and the word and giving ultimatum makes some guys ( those that care) feel pressured or trapped and being forced to take action: actions which he may not be prepared for. This can result in regret, and resentment in the marriage. For some of the ladies they begin to lament how sore their marriages have become.
When one is pressured or not ready to commit especially in marriage it could lead to future disaster. Remember our initial definition of marriage. Though some guys may really not be afraid of commitment or marriage but just that they haven’t thought about it.
Hence, Ultimatum is not an advice for any lady. Sometimes if you succeed you may live to regret it.
Manipulation and getting pregnant for him is a big NO.
A lot of people these days go with this last point. They feel so desperate and would never think of loosing the man. They may have tried ultimatum but no way because they really can’t leave him. So they set him up but unfortunately, that’s digging your own grave as the lady. Though, not all cases come from that motive. For some ladies it’s the guy that wants to “taste” her to see if she is ripe! We all know that fornication is a sin hence this last point is not advisable for a lady. Anybody that wants to commit with you will be the one making the moves.
How then can a respectable lady honourably air her wish of marriage to her lover?
- One should have a strong foundation in their relationship. This means a relationship where there is GODLINESS, OPENNESS, FREEDOM, UNDERSTANDING, HONESTY etc. These are building blocks of true Love. when these qualities and others like it are lacking, the relationship may last longer than it should and there won’t be commitment.
So if a lady is in a relationship where there is God’s leadership, my best advice is to go to God first telling him about all your wish especially to get married knowing fully that before him marriage is a beautiful thing. Also we should remember that Christ is the man’s head and we should form the habit of reporting to the head first before going to the man. In prayer we can ask for direction and the right words.
- Choosing the right words and manner of approach: the lady should calmly express her desires to settle down. Remember the battle have been won in the spirit. She should not be persuasive and demanding. She could even raise the topic in a casual discussion and should should respectful too. She should be patient as well. This is where knowing your man and best way to communicate with him comes in.
- A lady should make herself indispensable in a relationship. We should not be liabilities but assets. Being a liability explains why some man after spending so much time and resources with a lady would dumb her or delay so much because they feel she is not worthy to be their spouse. A wise man will never leave a lady who is an asset to his life and future. Some women may be so good that they become blind to see who the man truly is and what he truly wants. So these women compromise a lot and keep believing he will change.
Insecurity is not good. Some women are scared of being single and they end up with someone that doesn’t even want them in their life. Some men prefer a beautiful wife to a very industrious wife that has big dreams. Probably because they don’t want their wife to be the provider in the family or financially above them. While some men don’t like taking initiatives: they leave their prospects in their heart.
Yes! However, being an asset doesn’t take away the man’s role. It doesn’t mean you have to be the provider. These assets are qualities of a woman that draws her nearer to a man such as respect, natural wisdom, managerial skills etcetera.
Remember manipulation or getting pregnant is not honourable. If you get pregnant for a man that doesn’t want to marry you, you are digging your grave. He will disgrace and furstrate you!
God bless you!