Good morning great team of let’s talk it App. I have really been enjoying your way of attending to human predicaments with regard to faith love and relationships.

I therefore wish to share mine. Shortly before I got married, I was very careful with regard to sexual Relationships. But since I got married and had the knowledge of sex, I am feeling guilty with regard to the frequency of the sexual activities that I use to enjoy with my wife.

My question therefore becomes, is there any amount or style of sex, (including watching porn) that I could enjoy with my wife and it becomes sinful?

Thanks and God bless as I pray the Holy Spirit to direct us in resolving this issue.


  1. *The principles guiding sex in marriage*
    (A personal reflection on the teachings of the Church on sexuality and marriage.)

    ▪ A mature Christian is not one who always asks, “Fr, what will I do? Fr, what will I do?” But one who is able to use the general Christian principles to form his or her conscience and at every moment in his or her makes a responsible decision based on those principles. *As such there is no answer to the frequency of sexual intercourse in marriage or the “how” of sexual intercourse in marriage but there are general principles guiding sex in marriage*, which every mature Christian can use as guiding norms.

    ▪ *Biblical principle*
    *1 Corinthians 7*
    1Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” 2 But since sexual immorality is occurring, *each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.* 3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over *her own body* but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over *his own body* but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”
    Note that the bible uses *body* not just genitals. This implies that sex in marriage is about the whole persons, about the whole body.

    ▪ *The Marrimonial Communion:* As a Catholic, how do you feel when you participate in a Holy Mass without receiving Holy Communion? Certainly, you feel incomplete without that oneness with the divine. In a similar manner, what is marriage without sexual intercourse? In fact, the ability to have sex is a constitutive criterion for the capability of the person to marry. One who is impotent, that is, a man who cannot reach erection strong enough to penetrate a woman, at least partially and ejaculate inside her or a woman who is incapable of receiving an erect male organ, is considered incapable of marriage. In fact, sex is so important in marriage that it is the act which makes marriage extrinsically indussoluble: *only a ratified and consummated marriage is absolutely indissoluble.* In an analogous manner, just as the communion with the divine is called Eucharistic Holy Communion, in a similar manner, the congugal act could be called *matrimonial communion*. No wonder, the prophets of the Old Testament and St Paul compared the relationship between a man and his wife with that between God and his people. The conjugal act is not just a biological act but a deeply spiritual exercise. Thus, the Catechism of the Catholic Church states, *”Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament. Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.”* (CCC 2360-2361). Nonetheless, Catholic couples, being mindful of the fact that God doesn’t create without purpose, often ask questions on “how” to engage in this important communion in marriage. *One of such questions is on frequency of sex in marriage.*
    As I have noted hereinbefore, I will merely reflect on some principles which the teachings of the Church offer us. It is left for each couple, with their Christian conscience to apply these principles in concrete situations in their marriage.

    ▪1. *The conjugal act is an expression as well as a means of deepening the love between a man and his wife.* So, the basic question is: is this sexual act an expression/deepening of love between us? Cf CCC 2332: *“Sexuality affects all aspects of the human person in the unity of his body and soul. It especially concerns affectivity, the capacity to love and to procreate, and in a more general way the aptitude for forming bonds of communion with others.”*

    ▪2. *It must always been open to procreation* even when it is known that it is not the fertile periods. So, the question should be: is it a total self-giving or is there any barrier? Cf. CCC 2363: *“the spouses’ union achieves the twofold end of marriage: the good of the spouses themselves and the transmission of life. These two meanings or values of marriage cannot be separated without altering the couple’s spiritual life and compromising the goods of marriage and the future of the family. The conjugal love of man and woman thus stands under the twofold obligation of fidelity and fecundity.”*

    ▪3. *It is a legitimate source of joy and pleasure for couples:* God created the sexual organs in such away that their use brings pleasure and joy. This implies that God wills the pleasure and joy. Cf. CCC 2362: *“The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honourable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude. Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure: The Creator himself . . . established that in the [generative] function, spouses should experience pleasure and enjoyment of body and spirit. Therefore, the spouses do nothing evil in seeking this pleasure and enjoyment. They accept what the Creator has intended for them. At the same time, spouses should know how to keep themselves within the limits of just moderation”*

    The above principles guide couples and theologians to make moral decisions about the “how” of the conjugal act.

    *NB:* The above is just a guide. Therefore, couples, as Christians, should freely *enjoy themselves* as the church teaches that sex in marriage is *a source of joy and pleasure and couples may legitimately seek it, without feeling guilty.* The most important things are *expression of love; open to procreation; and moderation in seeking pleasures.*

    ▪ *Some remarks about pornography*
    I would like to add some remarks about pornography because the question added a note on pornography in parenthesis ( *…… including pornography*).


    I make two points here: quoting a document of the church and saying something about couples watching pornographic materials together.

    ▪1. “Pornography and sadistic violence debase sexuality, corrode human relationships, exploit individuals – especially women and young people, undermine marriage and family life, foster anti-social behaviour and weaken the moral fibre of society itself. Thus, one of the clear effects of pornography is sin. Willing participation in the production or dissemination of these noxious products can only be judged a serious moral evil. Likewise, production and dissemination of these materials could not continue if there were not a market for them, so those who use such materials not only do moral harm to themselves but contribute to the continuation of a nefarious trade.” (Pontifical Council For Social Communications, *’Pornography and Violence in the Communications Media: a Pastoral Response’, 7 May 1989, numbers 10-11*)

    ▪ *2. Couples watching Pornographic Materials together:* Some argue that couples may lawfully watch pornographic materials in order to arouse themselves for the conjugal act or to learn the act of sexual intercourse. My question or rather confusion is, “Someone cannot be aroused by the naked body and presence of his/her partner whom he/she claims to love, but an impersonal and loveless performances can do that?!!!!” This is strange to me!!! It is a sign of serious disorder!!


    ▪Fr Samson Asadu

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